PJ Time

Amith: What's the difference between a well and a borewell?
VImal: A borewell is a tenured well that is bored of doing the same job over and over again.
Amith: he.. he.. he.. good one.

Friend (reading a signboard on a highway): Don't mix drink and drive.
Vimal: Ya mix drink with soda.
Friend: ?!?!?!?!?

Vimal: Hey Russel did you see that board over there?
Russel: No what does it say?
Vimal: It says plot for sale.
Russel: OK plot it and sell it.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?!?

Upon reading a sign board that said 'Caution - Men at work.'

Leeni: Obviously, if women were working there would be no need to caution anybody.

Colleague: I can never get a brain fever because there is no brain in my head, its empty. he.. he.. he..
Vimal: Dude don't say that loud, the admin guys will put up 2 cubicles in your head then.
Colleague: ?!?!?!?!?!?

Leeni: Sewag's hit 100 in 30 odd balls, what an innings.
Russel: Obviously if you drop him twice that is what will heppen.
Unni: He was dropped twice?!?!?! How
Vimal: They dropped him once when he hit it close to the boundry.
Unni: Yes when did they drop him the second time?
Vimal: Then they showed the action replay and again they dropped him.
Unni: ?!?!?!?!?!

Colleague: Hey for a minute I saw that guy and thought he was Karthik

Vimal: Which Karthik?

Colleague: Karthik Gangadharan.

Vimal: Why will you think that guy is Karthik?

Colleague: He was short.

Vimal: Hey comeon ya, don't be so mean. This guy is taller!

Colleague: I bought a bottle of wine in Frankfurt and not sure if I actually want it.
Vimal: Big deal, you're return journey is again via Frankfurt so return the wine when you go back and you will get more money in return.
Colleague: How?
Vimal: Well the wine will be a month older than it was when you bought it.
Colleague: ?!?!?!?!?

While negotiation on a night tour in Dubai,
Tour Agent: Do you have the local currency to pay?
Vimal: Well I've got two options to make a payment - credit card or kidney.
Tour Agent: ?!?!?!?!?

At empire after i had ordered for my Beja Fry, Amith asked for Aloo Jeera and the waiter said they don't have it.

Vimal: I'll ask him to bring Aloo and Jeera seperately, you'll eat it together?

Amith: Why don't you have beja and fry separately? Oh sorry forgot, since you don't have brain you'll one get fry.

Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?

Vimal: Hey that's an oxymoron.
Amith: No No you are a moron.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?
(Note: Pictures in this article have been randomly picked from google.)

A Generation’s Gap

Each generation has always found it difficult to convince their previous generation why they do what they do. In the last 2 -3 decades the way things have transformed in India has only added to this complication. One of the things that have been a challenge for our generation is telling people what we do for a living. Here are a couple of instances I’ve come across or know of…

I recently met one of my relatives who was curious to know what I did for a living, and here’s how it went…..

Relative: So where do you work you said?

Vimal: I work for Tesco

Relative: Oh, is it a Tata Company?
Vimal: Well no, it is a common misconception, Tesco is actually an MNC in itself, but in a way you are right we do have tie up with the Tatas in India.

Relative: So what do you do in Telco?

Vimal: Well its not Telco, its Tesco. I work in the Project Management Office, we manage…

Relative: Aiyaiyooo I am asking where you work and what you do and you are telling something something and all…. Do you really work some where or you are just fooling around.

Vimal: Ok, I work for Tesco which is the world’s third largest retailer.

Relative: What is that?

Vimal: It’s a UK based retailer, we sell a wide range of products, like all under one roof types. Something like Big Ba…

Relative: I am not understanding anything you are saying. Hehehehe…. I think you are trying to hide something.

Vimal: Ok, fine. Let me tell you the truth I work for a Provision store.
Relative: Ah-ha…. No wonder I see you in shorts most of the time.

I started my work life at a call centre at the entry level. I have a friend called Vidhya who also started off at the same call centre probably about 3 – 4 months before I did. She is from Ooty and moved to Bangalore when she got the job at this call centre. After she kind of settled down in Bangalore she went back to her home town on a short vacation. One of the many people who asked her what she did in Bangalore was her granny, and this is how the conversation went....

Granny: So where do you work in Bangalore?

Vidhya: I work for this company called MsourcE, its a call center.

Granny: Call Center? What is a call center?

Vidhya: Basically people n America call us asking for some information about their account and we provide information. 

Granny: Oh ok. Understood.

A little later some more relatives came over to Vidhya's granny's place.

Relatives: We heard you got a job in Bangalore?

Vidhya: Yes.

Relatives: Very good, what do you do?

Granny: Some Americans have a telephone booth in Bangalore and she works there!

Relatives: Oh. Ok. 

PJ Time

Just 3 for now, will come back with more though


While driving down to the airport,
Amith: Hey we've got to slow down a bot because the interceptor will be there and we could get caught.
Vimal: Once I was on my way to the airport in my bike. That time they'd erased the speed limits on two of the three lanes and the only speed limit that was left unerased was the 80 kmph one. I was above 80 and suddenly I saw a cop dancing in the middle of the road. He was signalling me to pull over to the side. For a moment I thought I'll get down and argue about the speed limits being erased but considering my command over Kannada I thought I'd better not stop. So I kind of slowed down and the cop thought I'm pulling over but then as I got closer to him, I moved away and took off.
Russel: So what did the cop say then?
Vimal: Well I was so fast that the cops only saw a flash of lightening go past... zoom. Then I heard the cops scream 'Look, its a bird, no its a plane.'
Amith: And finally the cops concluded, 'look It's an Idiot.'

While leaving the airport,
Vimal: Why do we have to pay for parking here, they should have a system wherein if you show the airticket, they should not charge you for parking.
Leeni: Then they'll only let you park aeroplanes in the parking naa.
Vimal: Ok, I should keep my mouth shut.

Vimal was on the phone and was trying to clear some doubts, so he asks his friends in the car.
Vimal: Hey Robin Hood, was a fictional character or did he actually exist for real?
Friends: He was real.
Vimal: (gets back on the phone): He was there for real.
Amith: And he was there for tropicana as well....
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?

The Addiction

Addiction, something that mankind has been blessed with and cursed with. There is one such addiction that has swept the world over in recent times. Why am I so concerned? Well, I’m a victim of this addiction. No no no no don’t get me wrong, I’m a victim because of other’s addiction.

My Name is James; I am a social outcast as I’m one of those few people who haven't given into this addiction yet. The dirty stares people give me and the ridiculous questions people ask me when they hear I’m not part of this was such a torture. One fine day an array of things happened that pushed me to the corner, let me tell you what happend that day.

It was a national holiday, my dad was at home. I was just about to leave when he came over to talk to me,

“Son. Is everything all right?”

“Yes Dad, why do you ask?”

“Well your mom and I have been talking to you about this for more than 2 years now and we are really getting worried. Your mom and I feel that there is something wrong with you. In spite of all the conversations we’ve had in the past things haven’t improved."

“Like what?!”

“Like What?! Son, we have a computer and an internet connection at home for more than 5 years now and you still don’t have a Facebook profile. We have spoken….”

“Dad, no not again.”

“Son, you mom and I have been extremely patient all this while. We thought you’ll change with time but you haven’t. We can’t let you go on like this, I need to know today. Are you going to create a Facebook profile for yourself or not?

“No Dad.”
“Son. Are you on drugs?”
“NO. aaah, don’t be ridiculous.” just then my mom came over to the living room.

“Mom, no it would be better if you didn’t join this discussion.”
“Son, I’m sorry if your dad has been a bit stubborn on you but all this is because we are worried about you, we care for you. We can tolerate if you are on drugs or if you are in and out of the police station but not having a Facebook profile is something that is worrying us. Just imagine the kind of things people say to us when we go for weddings and other gatherings. People even say that there is something wrong in our upbringing that’s why you are like this.”
“Like what, why don’t you both give me a brea….”
“Son, Uncle Sam, one of your dad’s close friends is a Psychiatrist and he is willing to counsel you. Since today is a holiday, why don’t you go over and meet him. May be he can help you.”
“I can’t take this anymore. I’m going out, I won’t be back until late in the night. Good Bye.”
“Son, wait.”

Both mom and dad were upset with my behaviour and I won’t be surprised if they use a tranquiliser the next time around and take me to Uncle Sam for counselling. My brother says, every time this has happened, my dad gets into mafia wars and my mom destroys her farm and then scribbles on some wall. I have no idea what that is.

I was on my way to meet Bob who lost his father recently. I couldn’t make it to the funeral so wanted to go meet him and spend some time with him. A few other friends had also planned to join. The roads were empty; it didn’t take me more than 15 minutes to get to his house, I was the first one to get there. Bob greeted me with a smile, we sat down in his balcony, Bob’s wife served tea.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Bob, your father was a great man. Must have been difficult for you as you didn’t even get to speak to him before all this happened.”
“Ya. My regret is that he was unable to update his Facebook status message before he died. He always wanted to update his Facebook status message when he was just about to die.” Well, I didn’t know what to say, I was drawing blank and Bob started crying. Thankfully his wife came over to console him. Not keen on dwelling on the Facebook topic, I though I’ll change the topic.
"Hey what happened to Raj, is he coming over today?”
“Don’t talk about that heartless maniac.”
“Why what’s wrong? You both were best pals once, what happened?”
“The day my father died, I updated my Facebook status message saying ‘my father has kicked the bucket.’ And this scoundrel clicks on like! Can you imagine that? I mean how heartless can one get.”
“______________”
“Boo-hoo…….”

This time around even his wife started crying with him, I was just hoping that someone comes to my rescue and there came Raghu. He sat besides Bob, spoke a few words to console him and things kind of came back to normal. Raghu was with a woman, I thought it was his girlfriend until he introduced her to me.
“Hey James, meet my wife Divya.”
“Wife?! You got Married! Well, congratulations. When did this happen?”
“About 6 months ago.”
“Oh that’s great. I didn’t know about this, how come you didn’t call me?”
“Well dude, I’d put it up on Facebook at least 3 months before the wedding. We even showed the wedding video live on Facebook for people who couldn’t make it to the wedding to watch. You still don’t have a Facebook profile do you?”
I nodded my head implying ‘No’ and Raghu nodded his head implying ‘I don’t believe this.’ Then he continued,

“By the way, Sharma was asking about you.”
“oh is it? When did you meet him?”
“I meet him regularly, he keeps visiting my farm house.”
“You… You bought a farm house! That’s good news man. Where is this farmhouse of yours?
“Its in Facebook, its called Farmville.”
“Hmm… so Sharma was asking about me is it? How is he, he got married a while ago right?”
“Dude that’s old news, the latest is he is separated from his wife and they are filing for divorce.”
“Aw that’s terrible what happened?”
“Well things were going on good between him and his wife, then one fine day he opened a Facebook account..”
“Oh no, give me a break.”
“Listen to the full story, he opens a Facebook account, his wife sends him a friend request and he didn’t accept her friend request for almost 3 weeks. The best part is he accepted some other girl’s friend request the day before he accepted his wife’s friend request. That’s when things started going wrong.”
“And they are filing divorce based on this?!?! This case is not going to hold water.”
“Actually Facebook can be considered as an electronic form of communication like e-mail hence the same can be used as a witness in the court.”
“That’s bullshit man. There’s nothing like that, if that was true it would have come in the news.”
“Well I checked it out on the Supreme Court’s Facebook page. From then on I make sure I click like every time my wife posts something on Facebook and I accept all my wife’s relatives friend requests immediately.”

I had already started wondering ‘what have I got myself into’ and that’s when Ashik appeared. Thought that this guy could save me from these maniacs but that feeling was shortlived. I waited for Ashik to speak to Bob and join us
"Hey Ashik, how are you? Heard you are going to become a father?"
"Yes man."
"Congrads, so how are you preparing yourself for the new phase of life?"
"Well yesterday my wife and I finalised the first status message that will go on our kid's facebook profile!"
"hmm... _______. How about the name for the kid?"
"Well that we fixed long back. if its a boy he'll be named..."
"Aryan?"
"Yes! And if its a girl she'll be named..."
"Aishwarya?"
"Yes! How did you guess it?"
"Well I'm a rocket scientist."
"What?!"
"Naa... Never mind."
 
As Raghu came over to join our conversation I know this could get lethal, and it did.
"Hey Ashik, what's wrong with you man. I poked you like a week ago and you still haven't poked me back?"
"Hey sorry dude I totally forgot. I owe you one for this. I'll poke you as soon as I get back home."
I was slowly realising that the light at the end of the tunnel was just an approaching train and that's when my phone rang. It was a call from a private number.
"Hello."
"Good Morning Sir. We are calling from Powerfullwords.com, can I talk to you for 2 minutes?"
"Yes."
"Sir we have an exciting offer for you, if you subscribe for our services for just 599 rupees, we will send you exciting lines that you can use as your facebook status messages..."
"oh God, enoough!!!! I give up!!!! thank you." 
 
I just couldn't take this anymore so I took leave from Bob and rest of the friends. I made up my mind to give in to this addiction, so I'm now heading home to open my own facebook account. Wish me luck friends.

*What’s the moral of the story?

As kids we’ve always loved stories and almost every story told to us had a moral in it, so much so that even if someone tells us a story without a moral we sometimes tend to think the story isn’t over yet. I remember some of the stories I was told when I was kid and then to all my cousins as they grew up and now to my nephews and nieces as they grow up. Surprisingly these stories and their morals have remained the same all these years.


How many of you noticed the asterisk besides “What’s the moral of the story?” and started searching for a potential fine print? That’s where I’m getting at now, I was thinking through some of the stories and realized that the morals taught in those stories are actually a con job and one could end up being a loser if he / she decides to live by it. So I thought I’ll make these morals more transparent by calling out the caveats so that people know what these morals truly mean.

The Hare and the Tortoise

This one is everyone’s favorite. Once upon a time there was a hare and a tortoise. The hare makes fun of the tortoise; the tortoise gets pissed off, calls the hare for a race. The hare knew what’s gonna happen so said “Challenge Accepted” and took off. The tortoise was up to a lousy start and was taking his own sweet time and walking aaraam sey. He had the will but there was no skill.

By now the hare had already covered more than half the distance, so the bugger sat under a tree and went off to sleep. The tortoise eventually reached the place where the hare was taking a nap (snoring to glory), went past him and finished the race. The hare got up after a while, realizing he’d over slept, the hare said “Oh SHIT” and ran to the finish line only to see the tortoise LOL at the hare from the other side of the finish line.

Moral of the Story: *Slow and steady wins the race.

*Caveat: You can be slow and steady and still win the race provided people who are competing with you are skilled but are either lazy or have serious attitude / will issues.


Woodcutter and his Axe

Once upon a time there was a woodcutter who was cutting trees by the river. While chopping down a tree, his axe slips from his hand and falls into the river. Not sure what to do he sits by the river crying and praying and “poof” appeared an angel from the water and asked him “what’s up?.” The dude said his axe fell in the river and without that he will not be able to make his living and all that.

So the angel goes into the river and comes back with a golden axe and asks if it was his, the woodcutter said no. So she went in again and this time came back with a silver axe and asked him if it was his, the woodcutter said no again. The angel went into the river for the third time and finally came back with his axe, the woodcutter said, “yes this is my axe, thanks.” The angel says “since you were honest you shall have all three axes,” leaves them with him and disappears.

Moral of the Story: *Truthfulness brings its own reward.

*Caveat: The above moral is applicable when you are self employed / a free lance and screw up at work. If you are employed elsewhere, you are sure to get your ass fired for screwing up like that.


The Boy who cried Wolf

Once upon a time there was this shepherd dude, who kept shouting “wolf wolf” for time pass. Every time he cried wolf, the farmers from the nearby fields used to come running thinking there is really a wolf and that the shepherd dude needs to be rescued. After the farmers get there this bugger will ROFL his ass out saying “I fooled ya’ll, I fooled ya’ll.”

This went on for quite some time and the farmers were losing it on this guy. One fine day a wolf actually came over and attacked the shepherd and he cried “wolf wolf.” The farmers thought he was chumma doing othla this time also and did not bother checking on him. The wolf ate this bugger and his goats and took off.

Moral of the Story: *We may not believe someone who often lies even when he tells the truth.

* Caveat: This moral is not applicable in Politics because regardless of you speaking the truth or lying people will still believe you.

PJ Time

A very few that I managed to keep track of since the last post...


Vimal reads the fact of the day column from the news paper,

Vimal: Spotted bananas are generally sweeter.
Chai: Ya. That because they are almost completely ripe.
Vimal: No macha, only when a banana is spotted someone can eat it as say it’s sweet. If you don’t even spot a banana how will you ever know whether its sweet or not?
Chai: Ay IDIOT.

On seeing a Santro car with plastic covers on the seat,
Vimal: Some guy has bought a new SANTRO macha, this guy must have a very low self esteem to buy a santro.
Amith: Dude if he had an esteem for himself why will buy a santro?
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?!?!

Unni was checking out a new car,
Unni: Its very spacious at the back.
Vimal: I know. See there is an AC vent here.
Amith: so there is no AC in the car anymore, it went.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Amith: What’s the name given to a Sardar character in any tamil movie?
Vimal: Punjab Singh.
Amith: But you can never call Daler Mehandi by that name.
Vimal: Why not?
Amith: Because his is Punjab Sang.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?

Russel & Amith had the same message tone in their phones for some time.
Russel: Macha please change your ring tone. Every time your phone rings I reach out to my phone thinking its ringing.
Amith: Same here.
Vimal: For this only you guys are getting confused, imagine the days when everybody used to havea land line.

Amith: Do you want to listen to Silent Music?
Roy: Yup.
Vimal: Cool. Let’s play that blank CD.
Roy: ?!?!?!?!!?

PJ Time

Leeni: I burnt my hand.
Chai: Apply some soya sause.
Vimal: why did the mother in law sleep off?
Chai: What!?!?!?!?!?!
Vimal: ya soya in hindi means slept off and saas means mother-in-law right?
Chai: oh God.

While passin by Leeni's office,
Leeni: this is where somebody planted a bomb once.
Russel: did it grow?
Leeni: ha... ha... ha...

While eating at MTR,
Leeni: This cabbage tastes funny.
Russel: You feel like laughing?
Leeni: he... He... He...

Vimal: hey you guys start today, I'll take a train tomorrow and get there.
Leeni: but you'll not get tickets this is a holiday season.
Vimal: we'll talk to Lalu.
Russel: why?
Vimal: he is the ex-minister for indian railways that's why.
Russel: then he'll give you ex-tickets.
Vimal: ?!?!?!

We were leaving to Goa for the New Years and Chai came over to say goodbye,
Russel: Chai, why don't you come along?
Chai: no, you guys carry on.
Russel: come as it is, whats the problem.
Chai: No, you guys carry on
Vimal: Russel, let me ask him just half the question that you asked. Come. Ass.
Chai: hey Monkey.

Vimal: what's that guys name?
Russel: Viki.
Vimal: what happens when this guy goes to the loo?
Russel: _________ what happens?
Vimal: it will be vikileaks.
Russel: he... He... He...

Roy: ha ha, cops will catch you now.
Leeni: who'll throw him but?
Roy: ?!?!?!?!

While driving to Goa,
Amith: That truck driver was close.
Vimal: was he your relative or family friend or something?
Amith: why?
Vimal: You just said he was close.
Amith: !?!?!?!

Vimal: nonsence, I'm transferring all my brownie points to you.
Amith: Thank You.
Vimal: later when the time is right I'll take all that back from you.
Amith: That'll never happen.
Vimal: You didn't see that movie yesterday
? They said, ''You get more by giving.''
Amith: That's correct. I get more when you give.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Amith: The GPS says we have 224 kilometers left to cover.
Vimal: If it says 224 kms left, why are we going straight instead of going left?
Everyone in the car: ____________
Vimal: No one wants to get back to me on this one?..... ?!?!?!?!

Vimal: I think it requires a catalyst.
Leeni: What is a catalyst?
Vimal: In a chemical reaction, when the reactants are unable to...
Amith: when you make a list of all the cattles you have, its called a catalyst.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?!?

Vimal grabs a book just after finishing dinner.
Amith: You ate too much?
Vimal: Why do you ask?
Amith: You are reading Readers Digest, that's why I asked.
Vimal: !?!?!?!?!?

Roy: What is g-force?
Amith: When you are forcing someone with respect its called Ji-Force.
Roy: Forget it....

Amith: What is the opposite of insult?
Roy: Praise? Honor?
Amith: Its Outsult dude.
Roy: !?!?!?!?!?!?

Amith: Can you reduce the fan?
Vimal: Sorry, there is only one fan in this room, if I reduce this, there'll not be any fan left.
Amith: !?!?!?!?

On reading a name board on a taxi,
Amith: 'Shankar Travels.' Big deal so do we.
Everyone in the car: ha... ha... ha... ha...

Vimal: Where did you get the coconut from?
Leeni: From the coconut tree.
Vimal: !?!?!?!?!?!?

Roy: Give me the goggles let me try it out.
Amith: You can't try it 'OUT' because you are inside the car.
Roy: !?!?!?!?!?!?

Amith: wow, such a long bridge.
Roy: we have bridges all over goa.
Amith: Bugger. You can't have bridges all over, they'll be on roads.
Roy: God.

Vimal: From now on till we leave Goa, there is only onething I want to feast on.
Russel: What?
Vimal: Sea Food.
Amith: That's fine but you should also eat the food after you've seen food.

I recently called ICICI customer care to close my credit card account. The guy I spoke to was not conviced with my justification for closing my credit card. I'd decided not to use credit cards hence was getting rid of it. He tried explaining how a credit card can be useful in emergencies and its a life time free card so I can still keep the card and not use it. I tried explaining him that I understand all that and I still wanted to close the account. Inspite of me telling why I wanted to close the card, the guy kept asking me repeatedly why I'm closing the card which frustrated. Finally I put an end to this viscious cycle as follows,
ICICI guy: Any particular reason why you are closing this card?
Vimal: Like I told you mutiple times during this call I've decided not to use credit cards hence closing all my credit card accounts.
ICICI guy: ok, but is there any particular reason why you are closing the credit card?
Vimal: _______........ Well I'm closing this credit card because I did not like your TV commercials.
ICICI guy: I'm sorry sir, come again.
Vimal: I didn't like your TV commercial where you show the staff celebrating a customer's birthday with a candle on a ladoo. I felt that that ad was kind of stupid so I want to close the card. Can you close my account now please?
ICICI guy: ?!?!?!?!....... Ok, I'm closing your account and your confirmation number is...
And finally the consumer wins!