Monday, June 18, 2012

Why this televeri?

Sitting at home for two weeks with a hairline fracture, I have been watching a lot of TV. Apart from my favourite travel shows, cook shows and comedy shows I did spend a lot of time watching a couple of regional channels – Tamil. While sometimes I am forced to sit through the torture of Ekta Kapoor serials re made in Tamil because my mom is watching it, the rest of the time is kind of a “self induced torturous humour” that I indulge in.

There are a couple of Tamil channels that telecast comedy clips from Tamil movies 24x7 and the funny part is, the programs they telecast all day long are dial in programs. At first, I thought the idea of having a dial in program was ridiculous until I saw the way those shows are hosted and the king of things they discuss. Nevertheless, they do help boost the humour quotient of those programs – mostly the kind of humour that leaves you with the “WTF” expression. Here are some of those instances that left me with the “WTF” expression,

Note: In the conversations below, a lot of words are typed in the way it is pronounced in the Tamilian accent and are not typo errors. Also a lot of sentences will be literal translation of the Tamil phrases hence the grammar will be way off.

Most of the guys who host these shows are self proclaimed mimicry artistes. In between the comedy clips, they keep talking in weird voices with awkward body language and in the end declare that they were imitating a particular celebrity, by this time you would have either forgotten how that celebrity actually speaks or forgotten the celebrity. The standard call opening in all these programs is when the host picks up the phone, he / she will say hello at least three times in differing modulations and decibels before the caller says hello. The moment the caller says hello, the host will say the most repeated sentence of the 21st century “Please reduce you TV Vaalume.” Ah Come on, from the time speaker phones were invented our TV hosts have been telling us to reduce the TV volume when we dial in and we still haven’t learnt!

Post the greeting and the opening script, comes the introduction of the caller. After the caller gives out his name, the next question the host asks is what the caller does. Most of the guys who call in to these programs have a standard answer, “Summa thaan irukkaren (Tamil)” meaning, ‘I’m jobless and I just sit at home the whole day and do nothing,’ to which the host responds “super.” At first I wondered what kind of a response is that, later I saw a host try a different response and realised why most of the hosts respond with just “Super.” Here is the reason why.

Host: What is you Name?
Caller: Kumar.
Host: Kumar, what do you do?
Caller: I’m jobless and I just sit at home the whole day and do nothing.
Host: Ok. What is your ambition in life Kumar?
Caller: My ambition is to remain this way.
Host: …………. “Super.”

Post the greeting and introduction, the host has to ideally end the call and play the comedy clip (none of these programs lets the caller request for their favourite comedy clip). But this routine will be extremely monotonous, hence the makers of the show got creative to make the shows more interactive and fun. They came up with themes for each week and the besides greeting and introduction, the host will ask the caller a question (it’s the same damn question through the week) related to the theme.

One of such themes was “Heroine in a comic role,” the same damn question that the host asked all the callers through the week is “Which heroine you think will do a wonderful job in a Kaamedy role?” Now this question is hypothetical, so is the answer because in Tamil movies the heroine’s job is to walk around and laugh around so that the hero falls for her, then dance with him in the songs and cry and scream when the bad guy takes her away.

Another such common theme I have come across is where the host asks the caller to narrate a funny incident from his life or they ask the caller to narrate a joke or a PJ. The usual response from these jokers who call in is that “There is nothing funny that happened in my life” or “I don’t know any jokes.” The best part was when one of the jokers who called in said “Since this is the first time I have called in, no funny incidents have happened in my life but next time I will tell something.”

The weirdest theme I have ever come across in the last two weeks is this one - the callers are supposed show the host how they laugh! Here is an instance that left me with a WTF

Host: Hallo….. Hallllllo…. Hallllloooooo….
Caller: Ah Hello
Host: Please reduce your TV Vaalume.
Caller: ok.
Host: What is your name sir?
Caller: Suresh
Host: Suresh, what do you do?
Caller: I’m jobless and I just sit at home the whole day and do nothing.
Host: Super. Suresh, do you know today’s theme?
Caller: Hello?
Host: Suresh, please reduce your TV Vaalume.
Caller: Done sir.
Host: Ok Suresh, today’s theme is that you have to show us how you laugh and show lets see.
Caller: No… It’s ok.
Host: No Suresh, you have to show us. Laugh and show.
Caller: HA! (in the least expressive way)
Host: Wow that was a beautiful laugh. Thank you so much for laughing so beautifully. Here is a kaamedy scene coming up faar you and your family.
Vimal: What the f….

Unable to take it any more I switched to the other Tamil comedy channel and there was this girl hosting the show. The theme for her program was people who are married or in a relationship call in and share any funny incidents that happened in their relationship. In between playing Kaamedy… (Sorry that was the Tamilian in me speaking) comedy clips and talking to callers, this woman thought it would be cool to give the viewers tips on how to impress their love! Here is how the show went.

Host: Hallo viewers, this weeks theme is blah blah blah…… While we wait faar our next kaaler I am going to give some tips for guys to impress girls. Guys can impress any girl by writing creative poems about her, all the guys out there please take out a pen and paper I am going to recite a poem that you can use – “My love, you are an idli, And I am your chutney!...”
And she went on and on with rhyming words from her grocery shopping list shoved into meaningless sentences in the name of poetry. Thankfully she was interrupted by a phone call.

Host: Hallo….. Hallllllo…. Hallllloooooo….
Caller: Ah Hello
Host: Please reduce your TV Vaalume.
Caller: ok.
Host: What is your name sir?
Caller: Ramesh Host:
Ramesh, what do you do?
Caller: I’m jobless and I just sit at home the whole day and do nothing.
Host: Ok Ramesh. Are you married?
Caller: No madam.
Host: Do you have a girlfriend?
Caller: No Madam.
Host: Ramesh, this show is for people who have a girlfriend or married ok. Next time you call us you should have a girlfriend ok?
Caller: Ok Madam.
Host: Ok Ramesh. In future when you have a girlfriend, how will you talk to her in a kaamedy manner? Caller hangs up
Host: Ok kaalers, Ramesh kaaled us and spoke to us superbly, for him and his family members there is a superb kaamedy scene that is coming up after the shaat commercial break, watch and enjaay.

There are some people who have been repeat callers, so much so that the hosts know them pretty well. What is amazing is that when these guys call in they say “Guess who” instead of saying their name and if the host is not able to recognise them or call out a wrong name they get offended!

All said and done, we must give it to these hosts for putting up with all this nonsense from the callers and still able to smile through the shows in spite of doing the same thing over and over again.

Way different from these dial in shows is another interesting program that airs on one of these comedy channels, Its called “Tell me big brother, tell me,” (literal translation of the Tamil name) in this program, the host walks around different cities and asks people questions related on general knowledge such as ‘what is an ATM card?’ or so to test the awareness of people. This show is like a big stage where all the Tamilians come up to embarrass themselves. I’m sure the other regional channels too have such a program, if not we need to start one soon. This will at least stop people from thinking they are superior than the rest of the ethnic groups in India and hence avoid unnecessary conflicts and fights – The idea of we are all equally dumb can have a positive impact for once. Here are some of the questions and funny or ridiculous answers from this show.

Note: If the last word of the sentence ends with the “a” sound, it means that it was a question and if the last word of the sentence ends with a “u” sound, it means that it was a statement.

Host: What is PAN Card?
Participant: The card that you use to take money out of an ATM Machine.

Host: What is IPL?
Participant: Indian Bremier Leaku
Host: Indian Bremier Leakaa?
Participant: Yes
Host: Indian Bremier Leakaa?
Participant: No no. Indian Political Leak.

Host: Who is Bill Gates?
Participant 1: President of America
Participant 2: He has a computer shop in America. Like the shops we have in Ritchie Street in Chennai.

This one takes the cake :-D
Host: What is the other name for India?
Participant 1: Andra Pradesha?
Participant 2: Ramayanam?..... Magabarath. Correct.
Participant 3: Orissa

Host: Where is Pamban Bridge?
Participant: Naarth India.
Host: Naarth India means?
Participant: Bangalore?

Host: Where is Madhya Pradesh?
Participant 1: Pakistan.
Participant 2: Nepal.

And here is a shocking fact – some of the responses shown above are given by people who are teachers by profession!

All said and done, these shows do entertain me one way or the other.
(Note: Images in this article are randomly picked from the world wide web.)

Friday, April 20, 2012

PJ Time

Everyone is sitting in the dining area and the door bell rings. Vimal answers the door and when he returns,
Russel: Who was it?
Vimal: Super Hero.
Parag: Super Hero?!?!?!?!?
Vimal: Yup - Iron Man!
Parag: ha ha ha.....

Leeni: Pass me the papad Vimal.
Vimal passes the papad without.saying a word.
Leeni: How come you didn't crack your stupid PJ where you just look at the papad and say pass without actually passing it?
Vimal: That is Amith's PJ. My PJs have quality.
Leeni: Yes. Poor quality is also qualIty
Vimal: ?!?!?!

While watching a ghost movie, at the lead character
Leeni: she herself looks like a ghost.
Vimal: she is an undercover ghost.
Leeni: hahaha good one.

The lead character Claire was screaming on top of her voice.
Vimal: Claire became 'loud and claire.´
Everyone: hahaha.

Russel: I'm picking up food for for dinner, what do you want?
Vimal: Anything macha.
Russel: They don't have 'anything' here.
Vimal: Which place have you.gone to?
Russel: The place where you don't get 'anything.'
Vimal: ?!?!?!

Jayanthi: How can you forget to eat?
Vimal: I think I'll get tatoo like Ghajini stating have lunch, dinner, etc.
Jayanthi: But will you remember to look at them?
Vimal: I'll get a tatoo for.that as well. The tatoo will read 'check tatoo instructions.'
Jayanthi: PJ Poor me.

While navigating during of our road trips,
Leeni: There is a truck on the left. Now all clear.
Vimal: Head and Shoulders.
Leeni: ?!?!?!

Leeni: I'll go make sambar rice.
Vimal: But make sure you make sambar and rice seperately.
Leeni: Like how God made you and brain seperarely
Vimal: !?!?!?

Russel: I'm thinking of buying a small fridge for my bar counter.
Vimal: Actually you should buy a small fridge and keep it inside your big fridge.
Russel: Why?
Vimal: Just imagine, fridge inside fridge, how cold things will be.
Russel: As cold as your brain.
Vimal: ?!?!?!

Leenish: I'm getting leaves for easter.
Vimal: Why do you want to wait till easter dude. Go pluck how many ever leaves you want from that plant now.
Leenish: ?!?! How do people put up with you at work?

Roy: What is that?
Vimal: Dwayne Johnson Angelina Jolie.
Roy: What?!?!?
Vimal: Rock Salt macha.
Roy: Oh God.

Leeni: I'm shocked.
Vimal: Your rubber chappal is next to your feet.
Leeni: What?!?!
Vimal: If you are wearing rubber chappals you don't get a shock.
Leeni: Oh God.

Deepti: Hey, you were supposed gift Leeni shoes for her birthday how come you bought something else?
Vimal: I decided not to gift stuff that can be used against me.
Deepti: hahaha. Good one.

Leeni: That guy is fighting with someone over the phone.
Vimal: How do you know?
Leeni: I heard him say 'ok. Fine.' When a guy says that, it means he is not ready to listen and wants to get into a fight.
Vimal: Oh is it? Ok fine.
Leeni: yippie!
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Russel: What was the name of the hotel we are looking for?
Roy: Hotel Grace.
Vimal: Dude, this is Kerala, you are pronounce it as graice and not grace.
Roy: You are such a disgraice Vimal.
Leeni: hahaha. Good one Roy.

Russel: Abhishek Bachan sang this rap song is it.
Vimal: Yup. A lot of actors do that these days. A lot of actors have become popular singing rap.
Russel: And this Danush guy became popular by singing Tamil Nadu crap.
Vimal: hahahaha.

Roy: Having bread everyday is not good for health as it contains maidha.
Russel: But I only eat wheat bread.
Vimal: It doesn't matter what bread it is. As long as you are eating at home it is still "veet bread" (veet bread means house bread in tamil).

At the barber shop, while we were waiting for our turn a guy walks in and said hi to Amith and myself. After waiting for 5 mins he stepped out for a smoke. I was still wondering who it was and Amith told me that he is from MphasiS (a company we both worked for) and he used to be in this process called banyan (we had pseudo names for each department).
Vimal: Who is that guy who just said hi to us?
Amith: That guy is from MphasiS, he was in banyan.
Vimal: Hmmm. Now he in chaddies (chaddies, meaning shorts. Banyan, meaning vests).

Leeni: Enough of your bad jokes Vimal.
Vimal: What bad jokes?
Leeni: hahaha. See that's a very good joke. I can laugh for that.

Jayanthi: Its just a matter of control c and control v.
Vimal: Hey, nobody controls V (meaning vimal).
Jayanthi: hahaha, good one.

Vimal: How do you spell Sakleshpur?
Amith: Suck. Lace. Poor.
Vimal: ok..... Hey!

Vimal: I'll order food for you?
Naveen: Ya. Order something light for me.
Vimal: 30 Watts bulb will do?
Naveen: Hahaha.  

Russel: I got my prescription via sms. slowly the human touch is disappearing.
Vimal: That's why we have touch screen phones these days.
Russel: How does that help.
Vimal: Humans are touching the screen right.
Russel: Oh God.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Nincompoop Diaries


Nincompoop Diaries is a series of short stories where we follow a teenage gang through some of their most interesting encounters. Inspired from my childhood experiences, Noncompoop Diaries will have a perfect blend of facts and fiction. I hope this turns out to be an enjoyable read for you and this make you smile sometimes & laugh out loud sometimes. These short stories will be published in this blog in regular intervals and I will keep the momentum going, please continue sending in your comments & feedback.

This series is dedicated to all the nincompoops who grew up with this nincompoop and have inspired Nincompoop Diaries.


The Area
This locality situated in the northern part of a small town in Tamil Nadu referred to as The Area, is popular for two reasons Cricket & Gang fights. Like the chicken and the egg story, its difficult to say which one came first, the cricket or the gang fight. A cricket match would lead to a gang fight which will again end up in a cricket match, however in all probability the initial cricket match itself would have been a result of a gang fight.

What started off three generations ago as a teachers colony, now houses the three most notorious gangs of this small town. While the first gang holds together a group of guys in their mid 20s, the second and third gangs contain a bunch of guys in their mid & late teens and a bunch of guys in their early teens respectively. The senior most gang takes every cricket match and gang fight way too serious and the junior most gang takes every cricket match and gang fight way too casual. That leaves us with the gang of guys in their mid and late teens, this gang manages to have a perfect blend of the other two gangs making it the funniest among the three. That brings us to the reason why we are here, we are going to explore the exciting encounters of this gang. But before we get into their lives, its imperitive that we familiarise ourselves with the characters and the lingos of this gang.

Bullet This guy is the un pronounced leader of the gang. This guy will run faster than a speeding bullet when his dad or mom spots him hanging out with his friends.

Disguise This guy has a mole in his cheek hence the nick name disguise.

Intelligent Fruit - This guy is one of the biggest comedy reliefs of the gang, he keeps coming up with stupid jokes on everything regardless of the place and situation. His original nick name was Gnanapazham, which means the fruit of knowledge in tamil. The english guy did a somewhat literal translation and named him the intelligent fruit.

The English Guy This guy is way too obsessed with the english language, he reads a lot of english magazines  / novels and keeps using new phrases he comes across. In most cases, he wont exactly remember the phrases and end up saying it wrong and when ever he remembers the exact phrase no one around him will understand.

Goat The hair on his chin makes this guys look like a goat hence the name Goat.

Chicken He is the most improtant guy in every gang fight, he never hits anybody but will make sure he is there to witness each and every gang fight. He stands in as the umpire in most of the cricket matches as well.

Rabbit This guy's actual name is Murugesh and his father has 3 rabbits as pets. Since there was another Murugesh in the same colony, he was referred to as Rabbit Murugesh and with time the name shortened to just rabbit.

Road Runner This guy borrows his uncles moped everynight and goes around the area honking. Everytime he honks, he honks twice like the Looney Tunes Cartoon character Road Runner. Hence the name.

Mosquito This guy is simply the tinyest in the gang.

Robin Hood This guy has an obsession towards guns and keeps collecting all kinds of toy guns. He always carries a gun with him and generally shoots people around when he is happy or sad or angry. His guns are never loaded but he makes the Bang!sound everytime he fires which is supposed to kill people.

Eye Thousand This is the only guy in the gang who wears glasses and friends started calling him kanaayiram which in tamil means the one with a thousand eyes. The name was later translated as eye thousand by The English Guy.

Cannibal: This guy is the most mannerless and merciless in the gang, hence the name.

Sparrow: This guy's hair resembles a sparrow's nest, hence the name.

Cerelac Holmes: Everytime somebody in the gang gets beaten up alone by a different gang, this guy will ask a thousand questions as if he was a detective and he is trying to solve a murder case. The initial name proposed was Sherlock Holmes, but considering his baby face they gave him the name Cerelac Holmes.

Samantha Fox - She is the babe of the area. Once the english guy passed a comment stating she looks like Samantha Fox and as usual no one understood him. Intelligent fruit then clarified it to everyone saying, "You people don't know Samantha Fox? Its a very dangerous animal that lives in African forests."

Cylinder - She is Samantha Fox's friend and neighbour, she could be mistaken for an LPG cylinder if she comes out in a red outfit.

Ku This guy's name is Kumar, people call him ku. Not because they like him but because ku is the widely accepted and recognised short form for one of the most popular swear words in tamil. Ku does not belong to this gang but he is the legal consultant for all three gangs. He spends most of his time in the court appearing as a fake witness.

Batman & Robin - This phrase is used to refer the strike and the non strike in the cricket game.

Teespty - Teespty is nothing but the coloqual form for TVS 50, the most popular two wheeler at that time. If one keeps saying TVS 50 continuously for a day or or two, he will eventually end up saying teespty.

Panchayat - This term is used to refer to a prescheduled gang fight that has been mutually agreed by both parties to settle dispites.

Panchayat Match - This term is used to refer to a prescheduled gang fight that has been mutually agreed by both parties to settle disputes.

The Hangout - The chai shop besides the main entrance of the area is the place where this group meets up. This is the place the gang spends most of its waking time.

Pi R Square - This is the code used by this gang for 'The Area.' Since the locality is kind of circular in shape, intelligent fruit came up with this name.

Machi - The tamil equivalent of buddy or pal. This is a phrase that is most commonly used by all.

Dey / Dai - These phrases are also used to address members of the gang.

Mouth - Mouth means death. For Example: Once Road Runner was explaining his experience riding his uncle's teespty - "Machi, i was going full speed in my uncle's teespty and I was turning like a race bike near that S-Bend, suddenly an old man in a cycle came in front. For a minute i thought the old man became mouth. Then I applied hand break and stopped the teespty." Now, you must be wondering about the hand break in a TVS 50. Well if both the breaks are working fine, you apply the break with your hands to stop the vehicle hence hand break. In case both the breaks aren't working you use you legs to stop the vehicle - leg break.

Lungi Time - While playing cricket or during a gang fight if anyone's lungi loosens up, one can call for a lungi time where the cricket match or gang fight is paused for 60 seconds which is sufficient enough to retie the lungi and then fold it in half and tie it. No pausing for lungi time during a cricket match or a gang fight leads to a Panchayat or a Panchayat Match.

What makes this gang the funniest and the most notorious is that they are extremely unpredictable. One can never say why the gang gets involved in a gang fight or a cricket match. There was once a situation when a woman almost took the gang to the police station because they beat up the woman's son. When the woman threatened to call the cops, Sparrow called Ku. Ku settled the dispute and when he asked why they beat this guy up, Cannibal explained, "The guy was walking towards the provision store and suddenly fell down." "So?" asked Ku still trying to figure out what happened. "How can he fall off like that while walking? He should walk properly right? That's why we beat him up" said Cannibal and the chicken confirmed that is exactly what had happened. There was once the gang got into a Panchayat Match with another gang because they had a dispute on whether Ramarajan was the biggest loser or T Rajender (both are self proclaimed superstarts in Tamil Film Industry).

In the next few editions we will explore the adventures of these nincompoops.

(Note: Images in this article are randomly picked from the world wide web.)

Friday, December 23, 2011

PJ Time

Amith: Did you have food?
Vimal: No, not yet. Will go in sometime.
Amith: Sad man.
Vimal: Is that a new Super Hero?
Amith: Yes and you are Sad Man, I would like to make a movie series of it with atleast 3 or 4 sequels.
Vimal: ha ha ha

Leeni: I want Jamoon.
Vimal: Its going to take a few more years for us to get there. Space travel is not open for commercial passengers yet.
Leeni: What?!?!?!?
Vimal: You said 'Ja' (translates 'go' in hindi) 'Moon.'
Leeni: Oh God.

Vimal: I'm leaving office early tomorrow.
Leeni: Good for you. And good for the company too.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Friend: The 3D effects in Ra One wasn't that great.
Vimal: Which side of the screen you sat at? Front side or the back side?
Everyone: ha ha ha.

Amith writes on his facebook wall on Rajinikanth's birthday:
'Dear Birthday. Happy Rajinikanth to you!'

Leeni: What did you say?
Vimal: Nothing.
Leeni: I thought you said Leeni is smart.
Vimal: Why on earth will I say anything like that?
Leeni: Ya, why would you say anything like that. You don't state the obvious.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Jayanthi was in the cab on her way home and was talking to Vimal over the phone.
Jayanthi: Oh God. There is a huge traffic jam near K R Puram, looks like it will take at least half an hour for this to clear. Wonder what time I'll get home.
Vimal: Don't worry, there is an easy way to clear the traffic jam.
Jayanthi: What?
Vimal: Just peep out of the window and tell the crowd that you are talking to me over the phone and I've confirmed that I'm not coming to K R Puram now. The crowd will be disappointed but will clear away.
Jayanthi: But Vimal, if I tell the crowd that I'm talking to you, they won't go naa.
Vimal: ...... Nobody's asked me questions like this before. I'll get back to you.

Russel: How long will you take to fry the cutlet?
Amith (looking a Vimal): Based on his BMI I think we can fry him in about 10 mins.
Vimal: Its sad that we can't fry you Amith, coz Russel doesn't like veg cutlet.
Amith: How am I a veg cutlet?
Vimal: You are a vegetarian and you are a cutlet, that makes you a veg cutlet. End of story. If you still want to debate on that, you can talk to my hand.
Amith: Huh, Keep trying.

Colleague: He snatched my gift, I haven't opened it yet. It is not fair.
Vimal: How would you know its not fair without opening it?
Colleague: What?
Vimal: Ya. Only when you open the gift and see what it is, you'll know wheter its fair or dark.
Colleague: Aiiyoo.

Vimal: I hate that light they show while shooting videos at weddings.
If I see a cameraman with that at my wedding, I'll shoot him.
Amith: Shoot him with what? Your brother's SLR?
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Vimal: When are you treating me?
Leeni: When I become a doctor.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Version 1:
Colleague: Save the file.
Vimal: Why who is attacking it?
Colleague: What?!?!?!?

Version 2:
Colleague: Save the file.
Vimal: Why? Is it endangered?
Colleague: What?!?!?!?
Vimal writes on his facebook wall:
Everytime the week starts, Monday suffers from Rajinikanth Blues.

Vimal: How are you?
Jayanthi: Ok-Ok.
Vimal: Why not super ok?
Jayanthi: Because I'm not Rajanikanth.
Vimal: ha ha ha.

Amith: I was confused. Now I am Amith.

Vimal's team put up a live crib for Christmas decorations. A live cribis one where people dress up as Mary, Joseph, The 3 Kings, etc and sit / stand around baby Jesus. After seeing the pictures of the Live Crib,
Jayanthi: Where is the sheep?
Vimal: Since they are delicious, I had them for lunch.
Jayanthi: PJ. Thank God, I didn't opt to be the sheep in your live crib. Hey, I could have been the Angel.
Vimal: yup.
Jayanthi: But what about the wings?
Vimal: You don't need wings.
Jayanthi: I'll drink RedBull. 'RedBull gives you wings.'
Vimal: ha ha ha. Mc Donald's.
Jayanthi: ?
Vimal: I'm loving it.
Jayanthi: hee.

Jayanthi: Garnier.
Vimal: what?!?!?
Jayanthi: Take Care.
Vimal: hahaha ok.

Leeni: Spare me.
Vimal: Where? Where?
Leeni: What?!?!?
Vimal: You said 'Spare me' right? Where is the spare you?
Leeni: ha ha ha. Good One.

Leeni: What did you get from you Secret Santa?
Vimal: A Santa Clause toy and a 2012 diary.
Amith: So we wont have any scarcity of milk products.
Vimal: ................ For 2012 yes...........

Friend: Sometimes I get so bugged with the issues at work that feel like I'm managing livestock and not people.
Amith: People are livestock in a way.
Friend: No I mean I fell as if I'm managing cattle.
Amith: That's because you are a catalyst!
Friend: ?!?!?!?!?

(Note: Images in this article are randomly picked from the world wide web.)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Just Look at'em

Publishing this title after a very long time...

No wonder Chinese people are scared to go near this restaurant 

Check out the third bullet point under 'Attention.'

This guy is not just a spelling bee but a spelling bee hive! 

Hey!... Waite a Minuete 

Ok saaar! 

This interview candidate fills up the column meant for the interviewer to fill. The guy mentions the area he lives in under concern areas. Brilliant!  

This candidate hates his / her current employer so much... 

Coming together of two great nations! 

Who Leaves Dosa? The one who didn't like it i guess... 

Definitely not meant for Sewag and Gambhir 


Probably the right candidate if your business is in terrible crisis. 

Is it cheese or cottage or pakoda? 

Mountan Dew - spelled the same way it is pronounced in Tamil Nadu

Saturday, November 5, 2011

PJ Time

While watching KBC, the following question had me puzzled.
Question: Which of the following terms is used to refer to “Bewakoof banana?”
Until the right answer was revealed, I was wondering why on earth will they call a banana a foolish person. Later did I realize that the question was referring to the hindi banana meaning ‘making’ while I was thinking it was referring to the English banana - the fruit. From then on my friends have given me a new nick name – Bewakoof Banana (in this case banana means the fruit).

While serving dinner
Leeni: Aparna made the vegetables.
Vimal: Oh. I Didn't know that you are into farming.
Aparna: Ya I do a lot of farming in Farmville.
Vimal: I don't have a come back for that....

In a training,
Trainer: What is a scatter diagram?
Vimal: A chart with chicken pox?
Everyone: Ha ha ha....

Leeni: what is this? You are not giving me a chance to fight only.
Vimal: That's the idea.
Leeni: what is this yaa? Mein shaanthi se lad bhi nahi sakthi.
Vimal: Why do you want to fight with Shanthi?
Leeni. Aye. Nonsense.

After watching the biggest disaster of the year - Ra One.
Leeni: With great difficulty we got these guys to watch a Sharukh Khan movie in the theatre, now after this nobody will come for a Sharukh Khan movie ever again.
Amith: I know.
Vimal: Hey, I will come again for a Shahrukh Khan movie.
Leeni: But we are talking about nobody naa Vimal and you are not nobody na Vimal.
Vimal: Well, actually I'm nobody for somebody.
Leeni: But I am not somebody naa Vimal.
Vimal: Ok. I give up.

Vimal: Hey, which car is that? Oh its an Optra.
Amith: Why?
Vimal: It looks odd with that spoiler.
Amith: Put one more spoiler and then it'll look even!

Leeni was walking up to the elevator.
Vimal: Take the stairs Leeni.
Leeni: Take it where? And put it in your head is it?
Vimal: Oh God.

Chai: That cooker is making a funny sound.
Leeni: Is it? Why are you not laughing then?
Chai: oh God Leeni, you too.

Vimal: Hey Chai, you keep using this word blumin all the time - blumin current is gone, blumin lift is not working, etc. What does it mean?
Chai: shut up Vimal.
Vimal: oh ok ok I know what it means, it means a fish that is blue in color.
Chai: What!?!?!?
Vimal: Blue Meen macha, put together becomes blumin right?
Chai: How do people put up with you man?

Russel: oh Shit, I left my lipguard in the car.
Amith: Rich people macha.
Vimal: What?!?!?
Amith: ya macha normally people keep bodyguard but this guy has a guard for his lip also.
Vimal: he he he....

Vimal: Good news for Shopping enthusiasts – Phoenix Shopping mall is opening tomorrow.
Jayanthi: Why not today?
Vimal: Because I told them I won’t be able to make it for the ribbon cutting due to security concerns.
Jayanthi: LOL. What security concerns?
Vimal: The security guards in the mall have some problem with me and won’t let me in. That’s the security concern.
Jayanthi: Ha ha.

While fixing a mechanical defect in the car,
Amith: This nut needs to be full tight maga.
Vimal: Just pour half a bottle of vodka on it,
Amith: What will that do?
Vimal: The nut will get drunk and become full tight macha.
Amith: dai!

Another friend joins us while we were still working through the mechanical defect.
Russel: how many nuts did I give you?
Vimal: 4 and an extra nut just arrived.
Russel: ha ha.

A few minutes later this friend left and while he was leaving,
Vimal: Macha, are you sure you don't need the extra nut? Coz its just leaving.
Friend: Ay bugger.

On the way back home after fixing the mechanical defect.
Vimal: I think I'll pack my stuff about 15 - 20 mins before we leave. What do you say?
Amith: Anything macha, anyways you won't take much time to pack. You are well organised.
Vimal: you really think so?
Amith: I don't know, I'm just being cautious as you still have the hammer in your hand.
Vimal: ha ha ha

While watching 'My Name is Khan' on TV, Amith who was about to get married the following weekend, says, ''My Name is Kumar and I'm not a bachelor.'

Vimal: Oh Dear Lord!
Leeni: Tell me.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!?

Jayanthi: Are you crazy?
Vimal: No I am Vimal.
Jayanthi: PJ.
Vimal: Poor Joke?
Jayanthi: No. Poor Jayanthi.
Vimal: he he he.

Vimal: See you. Enjoy your trip to Mysore.
Jayanthi: I may go.
Vimal: You are going in October, not May. And before you say it – PJ.
Jayanthi: Daiiii

After we reached Hassan.
Vimal: Do you know what a lotus is called in this place?
Russel, Leeni & Amith: What?
Vimal: Kamal Hassan.
Russel, Leeni & Amith: Dai.

Leeni: We won’t wake up until 11, 11:30 tomorrow.
Vimal: But leg mother will come earlier than that?
Leeni: What leg mother?
Vimal: Our maid Kalamma (Kal – leg, Amma – mother)
Leeni & Russel: Ha Ha Ha….

Vimal: Nice place, can we stop by here on the way back and roam around?
Amith: Dude, why just roam around, you can paris around also.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!

Vimal: I think we all need to call our moms and say 'Hi.'
Everyone in the car: Why?
Vimal: We just went past a Thai airways hoarding which said, "Say hi to Thai."
Everyone in the car: Oh God VIMAL!!!!

Vimal: Hey can we call Uttam Sagar and ask for door delivery?
Leeni: But we don't need doors Vimal, we need food.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

At a tollgate on the way to Tumkur.
Amith: Macha let's buy the daily pass.
Vimal: Why you are buying a daily pass macha, we are not going to come here daily.
Amith: No V (meaning Vimal) will come here daily. Now that we have bought the daily pass you will have to ensure you come here daily.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?!

While sitting out in the balcony on a rainy day.
Vimal: I wonder if these frogs keep making this sound the whole night.
Russel: There are so many out there, I thought frogs are in the verge of extinction.
Vimal: Is it?
Russel: Ya I was seeing some documentary on Nat Geo and they were saying frogs have been listed as endangered species and are in the verge of becoming extinct.
Vimal: Hmmm. Must be because of Indians only.
Russel: How?
Vimal: Indians produce so many kids each year. And year after year more kids go to school and dissect frogs in the labs.
Russel: Ha ha ha...

Amith: I know why you have this undying sprit macha.
Vimal: Why?
Amith: Because you can't dye naa and that's why you have the undying spirit.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Vimal: I am thinking...
Leeni: Thinking is Tax free naa that's why you keep thinking so much macha. If they have to tax people for thinking imagine the amount of tax you'll pay for your PJs.
Amith: I know every month he'll be complaining he didn't get any salary due to tax deductions. They will even levy luxuary tax for his PJs.
Leeni: No macha, they will levy health tax so that government can treat all the people who are affected because of his PJs.
Vimal: Oh Dear Lord.

Vimal: What macha you are confused about the colors huh. I'll go tell everybody that you are colorblind.
Amith: Please go ahead, I'll tell everybody that you are an eastman color.
Vimal: ?!?!?!?

Amith: Dude, are you pissed?
Vimal: No. Why do you ask?
Amith: Nothing there is a toilet here that's why I asked.

Chidu: Find out howmany people are coming from your office.
Amith: Let me look up my contacts group called IBM and see.
Chidu: You have a contact group for your office contacts!?!?!?
Vimal: Oh macha he is heights of organisation. I wont be surprised if he has groups called IBM D Block ground floor, IBM D block 1st floor, etc.
Amith & Chidu: Ha ha ha...

(Note: Images in this article are randomly picked from the world wide web.)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

What is ABC

Driving! A passion for some and a pain in the ass for some. What's it for me? Well I will know that once I've learnt how to drive. Driving is one of the skills that I hadn't acquired until now and one fine day I just decided to go and acquire it. So I ended up in Maruti Driving School. Learning to Drive in Maruti Driving School is fun, here are some funny encounters I've had qwith my instructors.

After one has completed the theory classes, one will need to start with Simulation and Practicals. But before that, there is demo session that one needs to attend. What happens in this demo session, one of the instructors will show you the car - the controls, the safety features, the hood, what one needs to know about the car to be able to drive and maintain and the dos & dons.

So in my demo session I got this instructor who I believe always wanted to be right. We got in the car, he was sitting in the driver's seat and I was in the passenger seat. He sarted asking me questions, starting with the foot control.
Instructor: What are the foot controls?
Me: ABC.
Instructor: What is ABC?
Me: Its Accelerator, Break and Clutch.
Instructor: Good. Now what is the accelerator used for?
Me: It is used to increase the speed of the vehicle.
Instructor: Wrong. Accelerator is used to send power to the engine.
Me: Ok.
Instructor: Now what is the Break used for?
Me: To stop the vehicle?
Instructor: NO. Break is used to slow down and then stop the vehicle.
Me: Ok Fine.

I figured out by then that this guy expects us to memorise the definitions taught in our theory classes and recite the same when he asks us questions. I know the technical answer to the next question already so I was just waiting for him to jjust ask the question.

Instructor: What is the clutch used for?
 Me: A clutch is used to disengage power from the engine! (I was almost certain that he whont have anything to comment on that)
Instructor: NO. Clutch is used to change gears.
Me: ______ Ok.
Man I was baffled by his never give up attitude.

A little while later we were on the streets driving around and this guy was giving me instructions as I drove around. At one point I used the horn and the instructor told me that I hadn't honked enough. Then he followed it up with a question, "What is a horn used for?" 'Here we go again' I said to myself as I cleared my thorat to answer his question, "A Horn is used to alert other people or vehicles on the road." The instructor did not confirm if my answer was right or wrong but gave an answer himself. I think it was a rhetorical question, anyways here is the reason why you honk according to my instructor,
"You honk for two reasons. One is to say Hi and one is to say OYE."

Being a polite young man, I waited till I got home and laughed about it.... :-D